After this long you would think that I would have started something like this before now but I’m just not that kind of person.

I felt compelled to write something to document my life, not that its anything special, or grandiose or particularty interesting. But on some level, it may be useful to others, whether it be something to relate to? something to compare to? or even just a bit of comfort knowing that you’re not alone

I have mental health problems, frequently… and they’re just my friends… no seriously, I have depression.  Saying that felt a bit like standing up in an Alcoholics Anonymous group, you know? like you see on the films.

My Name is Nikki and I have depression.

And thats the first time I’ve seen it written down like that, and it fucking terrifies me. It’s real, not just something in the back of my head that I blame all my mishaps on, it’s very real.

I’m an ordinary girl, with and ordinary life kind of, but with a little extra ordinary thrown in for good measure.

I have a Degree, I am studying for a MA and that is generally the most important thing in my life at the moment, well that… and being able to get out of bed of a morning… its a toss up every morning to see which dream wins, getting up… or actually studying and working.

I am at a bizarre moment in my my life when I think I’ve got a handle on things, I’m doing most of work, I’m keeping up with my studies, my relationship with family/friends is ok. And yet I had a meeting at work that shattered all that, I am doing no good in my job, I haven’ been for 3 months and I got an improvement notice.

Then I started looking at other things more closely? are my relationships with family ok? well yeah I guess, except for the worry of my mother and her ailments, and my slight irritance at my dad then yeah its ok.

What about my friends? well yeah I love them all, and they love me. Well except for that one that keeps having a dig at my maturity, and that other one that knows best and can make you feel smaller than an ant at any given moment, and the other one that you think needs to just sod off because you know she doesn’t really care and yet is always there in the background, when in actual fact knows nothing about me and doesn’t want to know anything about me, but wants me to dote all over her and her perfect life. Then there’s the best friend, who I love dearly, but hasn’t rang or text in over 12 months to ask me if I’m ok, do I want to go round for coffee, do I want to go for a drink. Then theres the best friend who lives away and is the strongest person in the world who I want to live in her pocket… but there’s no room for me there. Then there’s the one who lives really far away who is so innocent she doesn’t really get whats happening to me. Oh and then there’s the ex boyfriend who has bi polar and tried to kill himself last week

Turns out, Its not all smiles roses.

I if you asked me 3 months ago if I was depressed I would have said ‘fuck no, I beat that a long time ago, I’m just having a rough time at the moment’. My rough time has been going on for at least 6 months, so after a crude wake up call at work I have realised that not only am I depressed but that the depression that I suffer with might just be life long and there’s fuck all I can do about it. Now not to sound all predictable and cliche….. How the fuck am I gonna cope with that forever? Blue Rope anyone?

As I said, the crude awakening at work is de ja vu, I’ve been here before, depressed and slipping at work, I lost my first graduate job because the National Government ran company didn’t have the knowledge or experience in supporting workers with mental health issues, although, they are expected to deal with clients/patients with the same issues……. go figure  . So the other crude awakening is that, I have studied for over 7 years and I will result in nothing because my brain says no and it doesn’t matter how hard I try.

Where did my dreams go? where did my life go? Don’t get me wrong I know things don’t always go to plan, and I am the master of rearranging shit. But at some point in time, I’ve got to ask…. what did I ever do.

Why here? Why now?

Because I have got nothing left to lose and if I write shit down, I might just see a pattern….