Drugs, dirty filthy horrible drugs.

Sometimes I love drugs, sometimes I hate them, sometimes I feel so impartial to them its as if I don’t have feelings at all.

Mental Health solutions are full of drug use. And this week, I have been a prolific offender.

Anti – Depressants, Happy Pills, Prozac, Head Pills. – They are a prominent feature in my life they are also the worst type of drugs I’ve ever taken – and I’ve taken speed!

I have been on Sertraline for 14 days now, and for the past 10 days I have been on holiday, which consisted of sleeping, not eating – forcing myself to eat in restaurants, sweating over all of my friends, sweating in my sleep, cold sweats, unable to pee, lethargy, fuzzy head, memory loss, lack of motivation, bursts of crying, being angry, being not angry, feeling suicidal, feeling overwhelmed, feeling sad, feeling hopeless, feeling drained, feeling deflated, feeling nothing, feeling everything, feeling what I should have felt 3 months ago.

So I did what any rational 27 year old would do; I left my holiday early to return home and cry to my mam and spend 3 days in bed crying because I can’t cope with real life or going on holiday.

Before Sertraline I was on Citalopram, which I thought I was doing ok on, then the doctor changed my tablets to Sertraline and informed me that I would also need to take my contraceptive implant out to lower the hormones in my body.

The problem with anti depressants is that they can take up to 6 weeks to kick in properly so at this rate… I might be ok for my favourite festival. Until then I have to live with these god awful side effects, the sweating, the crying, the lethargy, the numbness, the loss of appetite, the sweating god the sweating.

Now, imagine, every time that you felt in a low way, you had to go through this process, but then halfway through that process they changed your tablets, so you had to start again, but then the new tablets made you sick and you had to try another one, but then they worked a little bit but then they increased your dose, so you have to start over again, with the sweating! And by this time, your friends can’t cope with your mood swings, your family can’t handle how you’re living, filthy dirty mess and you have nearly failed your Master degree because you can’t concentrate and all you want to do is sleep and cry.

I spent a long time thinking ‘YES! i will take anti deppressants and everything will be ok’ but this isn’t the case, I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt any benefit from anti depressants…. and to be quite frank, I’m jealous of those that do feel the benefits and seem to go on as if nothing happened, but popping a little pill every morning enables them to get on with their lives.
I have been on and off medication, and nothing seems to change, I just go up and down, with feeling ok, then feeling suicidal. I am sick of the rollercoaster ride. I want off. I want it to stop. I feel sick.

I am grateful for the drugs that we are able to access, what a privilege, but when you have nothing left – what good are they really doing?


Does Depression Define Who I am?


For a long time I hid depression in little compartments in my head where no one else could see, and I was just the piss artiste amongst my friends, the life and soul of the party and the one who could always be counted on for a good time. Little did they know it was all just a massive cover up.

Don’t get me wrong I love being the life and the soul of any good party, but there comes a time, when the hangover kicks in for the 3rd time this week when I have to take a look around and think… what the fuck am I doing?

Depression is a very queer thing to have in the back of your head, and it takes some balls to come out and say it proud ‘I’m depressed’. I did this 3 years ago, and my friends were amazingly supportive, and so were my family. But it’s so very hard to understand if you’ve never experienced it.

How do you explain to someone that you can’t get out of bed today because life has no meaning, and you can’t see your purpose in life. That you don’t want visitors because the small talk is just meaningless when the world as you know it crumbling down around you. How can you possibly think that I would care what colour your new curtains are when all I want is for the light to go out and I want to dream about another world, where I don’t feel the way I do.

Over the past 8 years whilst suffering with depression, I’ve had this constant battle with myself; On one side there is the ‘depression is an illness, you can’t help it and things just happen’ then there is the other-side ‘depression can be fought and beaten now man up and fight’ I go through phases on being on each side of this battle, the general cycle is that I fight it head on, but depression is a strong army, and it is relentless, it doesn’t get tired, it doesn’t stop for a tea break and it doesn’t stop pounding inside my head. So when I get tired of fighting … I just… stop. I spend longer in bed, I care less about my work, I care less about my friends/family and I care less about myself. Then I get up one day and the battle commences once more. same old cycle.

What scares me the most is if one day I don’t fight, and the day for another battle to commence never happens, what then? What happens when the cycle stops and I have given up for good? death? suicide? hospital? It doesn’t bare thinking about. It breaks my heart to think, that I will never fight so hard and that one day, I’ll just stop

Over the years the battle whether to accept depression or try and conquer it comes and goes. But does it define me? No.

Depression does not define me, It is a part of who I am, what defines me is my will to carry on, whether it be alone and down and depressed or fighting the good fight against it.

Don’t define me by my illness, define me by my strength to never give up.



After this long you would think that I would have started something like this before now but I’m just not that kind of person.

I felt compelled to write something to document my life, not that its anything special, or grandiose or particularty interesting. But on some level, it may be useful to others, whether it be something to relate to? something to compare to? or even just a bit of comfort knowing that you’re not alone

I have mental health problems, frequently… and they’re just my friends… no seriously, I have depression.  Saying that felt a bit like standing up in an Alcoholics Anonymous group, you know? like you see on the films.

My Name is Nikki and I have depression.

And thats the first time I’ve seen it written down like that, and it fucking terrifies me. It’s real, not just something in the back of my head that I blame all my mishaps on, it’s very real.

I’m an ordinary girl, with and ordinary life kind of, but with a little extra ordinary thrown in for good measure.

I have a Degree, I am studying for a MA and that is generally the most important thing in my life at the moment, well that… and being able to get out of bed of a morning… its a toss up every morning to see which dream wins, getting up… or actually studying and working.

I am at a bizarre moment in my my life when I think I’ve got a handle on things, I’m doing most of work, I’m keeping up with my studies, my relationship with family/friends is ok. And yet I had a meeting at work that shattered all that, I am doing no good in my job, I haven’ been for 3 months and I got an improvement notice.

Then I started looking at other things more closely? are my relationships with family ok? well yeah I guess, except for the worry of my mother and her ailments, and my slight irritance at my dad then yeah its ok.

What about my friends? well yeah I love them all, and they love me. Well except for that one that keeps having a dig at my maturity, and that other one that knows best and can make you feel smaller than an ant at any given moment, and the other one that you think needs to just sod off because you know she doesn’t really care and yet is always there in the background, when in actual fact knows nothing about me and doesn’t want to know anything about me, but wants me to dote all over her and her perfect life. Then there’s the best friend, who I love dearly, but hasn’t rang or text in over 12 months to ask me if I’m ok, do I want to go round for coffee, do I want to go for a drink. Then theres the best friend who lives away and is the strongest person in the world who I want to live in her pocket… but there’s no room for me there. Then there’s the one who lives really far away who is so innocent she doesn’t really get whats happening to me. Oh and then there’s the ex boyfriend who has bi polar and tried to kill himself last week

Turns out, Its not all smiles roses.

I if you asked me 3 months ago if I was depressed I would have said ‘fuck no, I beat that a long time ago, I’m just having a rough time at the moment’. My rough time has been going on for at least 6 months, so after a crude wake up call at work I have realised that not only am I depressed but that the depression that I suffer with might just be life long and there’s fuck all I can do about it. Now not to sound all predictable and cliche….. How the fuck am I gonna cope with that forever? Blue Rope anyone?

As I said, the crude awakening at work is de ja vu, I’ve been here before, depressed and slipping at work, I lost my first graduate job because the National Government ran company didn’t have the knowledge or experience in supporting workers with mental health issues, although, they are expected to deal with clients/patients with the same issues……. go figure  . So the other crude awakening is that, I have studied for over 7 years and I will result in nothing because my brain says no and it doesn’t matter how hard I try.

Where did my dreams go? where did my life go? Don’t get me wrong I know things don’t always go to plan, and I am the master of rearranging shit. But at some point in time, I’ve got to ask…. what did I ever do.

Why here? Why now?

Because I have got nothing left to lose and if I write shit down, I might just see a pattern….