An open letter to my boss

Dear sir.

I’m sorry I was late again this morning, I just cannot find the strength to get out of bed and face the world most mornings.

im sorry you feel that I am not transparent and not worthy of your trust.

You see, I have depression.

And the things you assume are me skiving and shirking are not what you think they are.

I lie on my time sheet – so you don’t know of my morning struggles

When I go out to smoke – it’s so you can’t see me crying in the office…. Again.

When someone has reported me for being on my phone – I am texting my family, speaking to my mam for support – yes I know I am 30.

When I have stopped being enthusiastic in the office- it’s because my life has lost all meaning and I am desperately searching for a purpose again.

When I ask question after question – I just want reassurance – my confidence has gone.

When I have forgotten small details – my brain has slowed down – I am desperately trying to keep up

When I seem distant from the team – I have lost all self confidence and self esteem – my negative voice has taken over – it tells me everyone hates me and that I can’t do my job.

when I struggle with my objectives – I berate myself every night – why can’t I do what normal people find easy.

When I leave early and try to go unnoticed – I can’t stand that I am failing – I go home and go straight to bed – crying again.

I’m sorry I called in sick with a stomach bug – I lay on my sofa all day wondering what will happen – will I lose my job – I will lose my house – I will lose my purpose

Dear Sir, my job is my life, depression is an illness – I desperately want to tell you that I am not a liar, that I am not an outcast, that I am a good person.

But I know if I do, I will lose my job faster than if I don’t.

Yours bleakly but hopeful

N Vincent