Why so much down and not so much up??

I haven’t written a blog in some time now and I have pondering the reasons as to why I feel like my writing creative streak has buggered off…. and to be honest, the real reason is because I didn’t feel that I had anything to write about… and why is this I ask myself.. well my blog was to openly discuss Mental Health and in particular… living with Bipolar.

Well over the last 9 months, I have been experiencing something so far out there, so totally bizarre I thought it would be too much to write or talk about… well I’m going to share it with you right now.

I have been feeling OK.

and that my friends, is it.

I am feeling ok.

Then the though occurred to me, why is this not something I want to share with anyone?

Well… because it’s far too normal and uninteresting to blog about

But lets be realistic here.

Bipolar/depression/mental health has ups and downs and some inbetweens. And I thought it might be useful to share my normality because we spend so much time focusing on the downs and some of the ups that the middle ground often gets forgotten about…. which is completely bizarre because thats what I (we) spend most of our time fighting to get to… this normality, this middle ground. this happy place that others speak of that we never seem to find.

But, it is true, I have been living in a land of normality for quite some time now, and I feel that by not writing about, I am taking it for granted. I have spent 10 years fighting to feel like this and to live this fairly normal life.

I feel ok. in fact I would go as far as saying that I feel good, I feel happy and more importantly – I feel like me.

I have the odd day when I feel a bit off, and I get days when I feel too much of this happy… and I fear the worst… It’s starting all over again

‘Oh my god, I must be feeling depressed again’

‘I knew it was too good to be true, here I go again’

Thankfully, I haven’t gone too far off my ‘ok’ path and in reality, I have had some shit days… like most people have and I’ve had some really good days…which most people have.

My biggest concern, is this fear of my head plummeting into despair or my head soaring into some unknown and I wake up one day with no money, and a trail of destruction behind me.

But I’m learning to not be afraid. If it happens, it happens.

But look at me now… I have fought and fought, and I will fight again…..should I need to.

Depression and Bipolar are something to be feared, it’s horrendous and I hope to never return to that cesspit depressive hole that Ispent for ten years and I will not take my even keel state for granted.

However, I feel slightly guilty for celebrating my normality, my normal life.

After today, and my musings, I will no longer feel guilty.

LOOK AT ME WORLD! I FOUGHT IT AND WON! I AM STILL FIGHTING AND I AM STILL WINNING.

There was hope, there was always hope and now here I am…. living my hopes and dreams.

And I would like to celebrate this.

So, cheers world…. this ones for you

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