LAND OF CONFUSION?!?!
Just when you think you’ve got a handle on things, something jumps up and hits you smack bang in the middle of your face.
As I’ve stated in my previous posts, I’ve been doing a whole lot better the past few weeks than I have in a really long time (give or take 10 years). And today, has been a mish mash of up and down, good and bad and a massive WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!
Bipolar is a queer disease, and Its a whirlwind of ups and downs, but at the speed my emotions change I just can’t keep up and Its exhausting!
Todays events have got me thinking about the future, and how to cope with the ups and downs and I’ve tried to devise a plan to get off this fucking rollercoaster, and the plan evolved myself a bottle of vodka and a dancefloor…. which past situations have told me is a really bad idea.
This morning I felt pissed off at my friends for letting me down over something so fucking small about an hour later I was disgusted at myself for being such a drama queen. Basically, I had arranged to go for a walk and 2 friends let me down so I didn’t go.
Then I went to a salon with my mam and my aunty and got pampered which was lovely and I felt really pampered. This made me feel uplifted, boosted my self confidence and gave me a twinkle in my eye, I strutted out to my car like marylin monroe and winked at every passing car with a bloke in it
Then myself and a friend went for dinner and I ate like a pig and hated myself for it. This made me feel fat, ugle, unnattractive, a failure, a disgusting pig
Then I went to a mates house (a mate who I think I may very much attracted to) and we sat and I got horrifically horny, and I wanted to jump him on his sofa there and then and I wouldn’t have cared if his cat watched
Then I picked my parents up and they had a fight about other members of family and finally I am sat here writing this. This family stuff goes a lot deeper and I just haven’t got the energy to explain, but by the end, I felt unwanted, a failure, unloved, a mistake, lonely, ashamed, unworthy, hurt and honestly, just upset… yes there were tears.
Now the situations above, are pretty normal, but my feelings about each one are extreme, and I mean like completely out of this world unbelievable. When I think about myself in my head conducting myself in these situations, all I can see is a cartoon version of myself. Which has made me think there’s more to this than I know.
I am 27 years old, and the above description sounds like a 16 year old writing in her diary, am I really that childish? at what point am I going to be able to separate me real feelings to those that are dominated by bipolar? or are they all real but magbifyed? or are non of them real and it really is all just make believe?
But all those feelings get mushed up inside my head and I dont know my arse from my elbow? So I might be swanning around looking like your average 27 year old but actually theres a toon town going off inside my head and I should be starring in the next Who Framed Roger Rabbit????
I do have an issue with being seen as a child, and not being independent so this just adds fuel to the fire of ‘Is my body getting older faster than my head? Is this a symptom of bipolar? How do I get over it and how do I manage it? How do I grow up?
Am I getting left behind? is everyone else growing up around me and am I incapable? Do I need to see someone about this?
Or is everyone else running around with an adolescent inner monologue, but no body talks about it?
is this also the reason why when i feel depressed I seem to be childish, like not keeping my bedroom tidy, unable to keep on top of my washing, being lets face it…. shit with my finances…. am I my 17 year old self stuck inside my 27 year old head?
My head is definitely the Land of Confusion