An open letter to my boss

Dear sir.

I’m sorry I was late again this morning, I just cannot find the strength to get out of bed and face the world most mornings.

im sorry you feel that I am not transparent and not worthy of your trust.

You see, I have depression.

And the things you assume are me skiving and shirking are not what you think they are.

I lie on my time sheet – so you don’t know of my morning struggles

When I go out to smoke – it’s so you can’t see me crying in the office…. Again.

When someone has reported me for being on my phone – I am texting my family, speaking to my mam for support – yes I know I am 30.

When I have stopped being enthusiastic in the office- it’s because my life has lost all meaning and I am desperately searching for a purpose again.

When I ask question after question – I just want reassurance – my confidence has gone.

When I have forgotten small details – my brain has slowed down – I am desperately trying to keep up

When I seem distant from the team – I have lost all self confidence and self esteem – my negative voice has taken over – it tells me everyone hates me and that I can’t do my job.

when I struggle with my objectives – I berate myself every night – why can’t I do what normal people find easy.

When I leave early and try to go unnoticed – I can’t stand that I am failing – I go home and go straight to bed – crying again.

I’m sorry I called in sick with a stomach bug – I lay on my sofa all day wondering what will happen – will I lose my job – I will lose my house – I will lose my purpose

Dear Sir, my job is my life, depression is an illness – I desperately want to tell you that I am not a liar, that I am not an outcast, that I am a good person.

But I know if I do, I will lose my job faster than if I don’t.

Yours bleakly but hopeful

N Vincent

Why so much down and not so much up??

I haven’t written a blog in some time now and I have pondering the reasons as to why I feel like my writing creative streak has buggered off…. and to be honest, the real reason is because I didn’t feel that I had anything to write about… and why is this I ask myself.. well my blog was to openly discuss Mental Health and in particular… living with Bipolar.

Well over the last 9 months, I have been experiencing something so far out there, so totally bizarre I thought it would be too much to write or talk about… well I’m going to share it with you right now.

I have been feeling OK.

and that my friends, is it.

I am feeling ok.

Then the though occurred to me, why is this not something I want to share with anyone?

Well… because it’s far too normal and uninteresting to blog about

But lets be realistic here.

Bipolar/depression/mental health has ups and downs and some inbetweens. And I thought it might be useful to share my normality because we spend so much time focusing on the downs and some of the ups that the middle ground often gets forgotten about…. which is completely bizarre because thats what I (we) spend most of our time fighting to get to… this normality, this middle ground. this happy place that others speak of that we never seem to find.

But, it is true, I have been living in a land of normality for quite some time now, and I feel that by not writing about, I am taking it for granted. I have spent 10 years fighting to feel like this and to live this fairly normal life.

I feel ok. in fact I would go as far as saying that I feel good, I feel happy and more importantly – I feel like me.

I have the odd day when I feel a bit off, and I get days when I feel too much of this happy… and I fear the worst… It’s starting all over again

‘Oh my god, I must be feeling depressed again’

‘I knew it was too good to be true, here I go again’

Thankfully, I haven’t gone too far off my ‘ok’ path and in reality, I have had some shit days… like most people have and I’ve had some really good days…which most people have.

My biggest concern, is this fear of my head plummeting into despair or my head soaring into some unknown and I wake up one day with no money, and a trail of destruction behind me.

But I’m learning to not be afraid. If it happens, it happens.

But look at me now… I have fought and fought, and I will fight again…..should I need to.

Depression and Bipolar are something to be feared, it’s horrendous and I hope to never return to that cesspit depressive hole that Ispent for ten years and I will not take my even keel state for granted.

However, I feel slightly guilty for celebrating my normality, my normal life.

After today, and my musings, I will no longer feel guilty.

LOOK AT ME WORLD! I FOUGHT IT AND WON! I AM STILL FIGHTING AND I AM STILL WINNING.

There was hope, there was always hope and now here I am…. living my hopes and dreams.

And I would like to celebrate this.

So, cheers world…. this ones for you

Land of Confusion?!?!?!?!

LAND OF CONFUSION?!?!

Just when you think you’ve got a handle on things, something jumps up and hits you smack bang in the middle of your face.

As I’ve stated in my previous posts, I’ve been doing a whole lot better the past few weeks than I have in a really long time (give or take 10 years). And today, has been a mish mash of up and down, good and bad and a massive WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!

Bipolar is a queer disease, and Its a whirlwind of ups and downs, but at the speed my emotions change I just can’t keep up and Its exhausting!

Todays events have got me thinking about the future, and how to cope with the ups and downs and I’ve tried to devise a plan to get off this fucking rollercoaster, and the plan evolved myself a bottle of vodka and a dancefloor…. which past situations have told me is a really bad idea.

This morning I felt pissed off at my friends for letting me down over something so fucking small about an hour later I was disgusted at myself for being such a drama queen. Basically, I had arranged to go for a walk and 2 friends let me down so I didn’t go.

Then I went to a salon with my mam and my aunty and got pampered which was lovely and I felt really pampered. This made me feel uplifted, boosted my self confidence and gave me a twinkle in my eye, I strutted out to my car like marylin monroe and winked at every passing car with a bloke in it

Then myself and a friend went for dinner and I ate like a pig and hated myself for it. This made me feel fat, ugle, unnattractive, a failure, a disgusting pig

Then I went to a mates house (a mate who I think I may very much attracted to) and we sat and I got horrifically horny, and I wanted to jump him on his sofa there and then and I wouldn’t have cared if his cat watched

Then I picked my parents up and they had a fight about other members of family and finally I am sat here writing this. This family stuff goes a lot deeper and I just haven’t got the energy to explain, but by the end, I felt unwanted, a failure, unloved, a mistake, lonely, ashamed, unworthy, hurt and honestly, just upset… yes there were tears.

Now the situations above, are pretty normal, but my feelings about each one are extreme, and I mean like completely out of this world unbelievable. When I think about myself in my head conducting myself in these situations, all I can see is a cartoon version of myself. Which has made me think there’s more to this than I know.

I am 27 years old, and the above description sounds like a 16 year old writing in her diary, am I really that childish? at what point am I going to be able to separate me real feelings to those that are dominated by bipolar? or are they all real but magbifyed? or are non of them real and it really is all just make believe?

But all those feelings get mushed up inside my head and I dont know my arse from my elbow? So I might be swanning around looking like your average 27 year old but actually theres a toon town going off inside my head and I should be starring in the next Who Framed Roger Rabbit????

I do have an issue with being seen as a child, and not being independent so this just adds fuel to the fire of ‘Is my body getting older faster than my head? Is this a symptom of bipolar? How do I get over it and how do I manage it? How do I grow up?

Am I getting left behind? is everyone else growing up around me and am I incapable? Do I need to see someone about this?

Or is everyone else running around with an adolescent inner monologue, but no body talks about it?

is this also the reason why when i feel depressed I seem to be childish, like not keeping my bedroom tidy, unable to keep on top of my washing, being lets face it…. shit with my finances…. am I my 17 year old self stuck inside my 27 year old head?

who_framed_roger_rabbit_36149

My head is definitely the Land of Confusion

This is supposed to help??

Wow

Save This For A Rainy Day

Hiya!

So I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for a long time and I always could handle it on my own pretty well. About a year ago, though it seemed to get worse and worse so I decided to finally tell my parents. Then the “excitement” began. *sigh* They made me go to therapy, which I shied away from very quickly as I didn’t feel like I could comfortably tell her anything.

*side rant* The thing that really bugs the shit outta me is when the therapists begin with “I can tell anyone about this if I think you are going to hurt yourself and/or others.” Ok. I understand this — but at the same time, it means that I feel like I have to be pretty careful with what I say. I don’t know about other people, but I have always had suicide in the back of my…

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DRUGS

DRUGS

Drugs, dirty filthy horrible drugs.

Sometimes I love drugs, sometimes I hate them, sometimes I feel so impartial to them its as if I don’t have feelings at all.

Mental Health solutions are full of drug use. And this week, I have been a prolific offender.

Anti – Depressants, Happy Pills, Prozac, Head Pills. – They are a prominent feature in my life they are also the worst type of drugs I’ve ever taken – and I’ve taken speed!

I have been on Sertraline for 14 days now, and for the past 10 days I have been on holiday, which consisted of sleeping, not eating – forcing myself to eat in restaurants, sweating over all of my friends, sweating in my sleep, cold sweats, unable to pee, lethargy, fuzzy head, memory loss, lack of motivation, bursts of crying, being angry, being not angry, feeling suicidal, feeling overwhelmed, feeling sad, feeling hopeless, feeling drained, feeling deflated, feeling nothing, feeling everything, feeling what I should have felt 3 months ago.

So I did what any rational 27 year old would do; I left my holiday early to return home and cry to my mam and spend 3 days in bed crying because I can’t cope with real life or going on holiday.

Before Sertraline I was on Citalopram, which I thought I was doing ok on, then the doctor changed my tablets to Sertraline and informed me that I would also need to take my contraceptive implant out to lower the hormones in my body.

The problem with anti depressants is that they can take up to 6 weeks to kick in properly so at this rate… I might be ok for my favourite festival. Until then I have to live with these god awful side effects, the sweating, the crying, the lethargy, the numbness, the loss of appetite, the sweating god the sweating.

Now, imagine, every time that you felt in a low way, you had to go through this process, but then halfway through that process they changed your tablets, so you had to start again, but then the new tablets made you sick and you had to try another one, but then they worked a little bit but then they increased your dose, so you have to start over again, with the sweating! And by this time, your friends can’t cope with your mood swings, your family can’t handle how you’re living, filthy dirty mess and you have nearly failed your Master degree because you can’t concentrate and all you want to do is sleep and cry.

I spent a long time thinking ‘YES! i will take anti deppressants and everything will be ok’ but this isn’t the case, I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt any benefit from anti depressants…. and to be quite frank, I’m jealous of those that do feel the benefits and seem to go on as if nothing happened, but popping a little pill every morning enables them to get on with their lives.
I have been on and off medication, and nothing seems to change, I just go up and down, with feeling ok, then feeling suicidal. I am sick of the rollercoaster ride. I want off. I want it to stop. I feel sick.

I am grateful for the drugs that we are able to access, what a privilege, but when you have nothing left – what good are they really doing?

Does Depression Define Who I am?

DOES DEPRESSION DEFINE WHO I AM

For a long time I hid depression in little compartments in my head where no one else could see, and I was just the piss artiste amongst my friends, the life and soul of the party and the one who could always be counted on for a good time. Little did they know it was all just a massive cover up.

Don’t get me wrong I love being the life and the soul of any good party, but there comes a time, when the hangover kicks in for the 3rd time this week when I have to take a look around and think… what the fuck am I doing?

Depression is a very queer thing to have in the back of your head, and it takes some balls to come out and say it proud ‘I’m depressed’. I did this 3 years ago, and my friends were amazingly supportive, and so were my family. But it’s so very hard to understand if you’ve never experienced it.

How do you explain to someone that you can’t get out of bed today because life has no meaning, and you can’t see your purpose in life. That you don’t want visitors because the small talk is just meaningless when the world as you know it crumbling down around you. How can you possibly think that I would care what colour your new curtains are when all I want is for the light to go out and I want to dream about another world, where I don’t feel the way I do.

Over the past 8 years whilst suffering with depression, I’ve had this constant battle with myself; On one side there is the ‘depression is an illness, you can’t help it and things just happen’ then there is the other-side ‘depression can be fought and beaten now man up and fight’ I go through phases on being on each side of this battle, the general cycle is that I fight it head on, but depression is a strong army, and it is relentless, it doesn’t get tired, it doesn’t stop for a tea break and it doesn’t stop pounding inside my head. So when I get tired of fighting … I just… stop. I spend longer in bed, I care less about my work, I care less about my friends/family and I care less about myself. Then I get up one day and the battle commences once more. same old cycle.

What scares me the most is if one day I don’t fight, and the day for another battle to commence never happens, what then? What happens when the cycle stops and I have given up for good? death? suicide? hospital? It doesn’t bare thinking about. It breaks my heart to think, that I will never fight so hard and that one day, I’ll just stop

Over the years the battle whether to accept depression or try and conquer it comes and goes. But does it define me? No.

Depression does not define me, It is a part of who I am, what defines me is my will to carry on, whether it be alone and down and depressed or fighting the good fight against it.

Don’t define me by my illness, define me by my strength to never give up.

WHY HERE? WHY NOW?

WHY HERE? WHY NOW?

After this long you would think that I would have started something like this before now but I’m just not that kind of person.

I felt compelled to write something to document my life, not that its anything special, or grandiose or particularty interesting. But on some level, it may be useful to others, whether it be something to relate to? something to compare to? or even just a bit of comfort knowing that you’re not alone

I have mental health problems, frequently… and they’re just my friends… no seriously, I have depression.  Saying that felt a bit like standing up in an Alcoholics Anonymous group, you know? like you see on the films.

My Name is Nikki and I have depression.

And thats the first time I’ve seen it written down like that, and it fucking terrifies me. It’s real, not just something in the back of my head that I blame all my mishaps on, it’s very real.

I’m an ordinary girl, with and ordinary life kind of, but with a little extra ordinary thrown in for good measure.

I have a Degree, I am studying for a MA and that is generally the most important thing in my life at the moment, well that… and being able to get out of bed of a morning… its a toss up every morning to see which dream wins, getting up… or actually studying and working.

I am at a bizarre moment in my my life when I think I’ve got a handle on things, I’m doing most of work, I’m keeping up with my studies, my relationship with family/friends is ok. And yet I had a meeting at work that shattered all that, I am doing no good in my job, I haven’ been for 3 months and I got an improvement notice.

Then I started looking at other things more closely? are my relationships with family ok? well yeah I guess, except for the worry of my mother and her ailments, and my slight irritance at my dad then yeah its ok.

What about my friends? well yeah I love them all, and they love me. Well except for that one that keeps having a dig at my maturity, and that other one that knows best and can make you feel smaller than an ant at any given moment, and the other one that you think needs to just sod off because you know she doesn’t really care and yet is always there in the background, when in actual fact knows nothing about me and doesn’t want to know anything about me, but wants me to dote all over her and her perfect life. Then there’s the best friend, who I love dearly, but hasn’t rang or text in over 12 months to ask me if I’m ok, do I want to go round for coffee, do I want to go for a drink. Then theres the best friend who lives away and is the strongest person in the world who I want to live in her pocket… but there’s no room for me there. Then there’s the one who lives really far away who is so innocent she doesn’t really get whats happening to me. Oh and then there’s the ex boyfriend who has bi polar and tried to kill himself last week

Turns out, Its not all smiles roses.

I if you asked me 3 months ago if I was depressed I would have said ‘fuck no, I beat that a long time ago, I’m just having a rough time at the moment’. My rough time has been going on for at least 6 months, so after a crude wake up call at work I have realised that not only am I depressed but that the depression that I suffer with might just be life long and there’s fuck all I can do about it. Now not to sound all predictable and cliche….. How the fuck am I gonna cope with that forever? Blue Rope anyone?

As I said, the crude awakening at work is de ja vu, I’ve been here before, depressed and slipping at work, I lost my first graduate job because the National Government ran company didn’t have the knowledge or experience in supporting workers with mental health issues, although, they are expected to deal with clients/patients with the same issues……. go figure  . So the other crude awakening is that, I have studied for over 7 years and I will result in nothing because my brain says no and it doesn’t matter how hard I try.

Where did my dreams go? where did my life go? Don’t get me wrong I know things don’t always go to plan, and I am the master of rearranging shit. But at some point in time, I’ve got to ask…. what did I ever do.

Why here? Why now?

Because I have got nothing left to lose and if I write shit down, I might just see a pattern….